Over the years I’ve lived many regrets and I’ve said
this many times before to many people. But no matter how many times I’ve said
it, I’ve never mentioned what the regrets were. At the top of the list is you.
You are single-handedly the most frustrating, naive yet beautiful and kind
person I’ve met.
You’re frustrating because you’re someone I’ve pursued
for 10 years of my life. 7 years of that life, I’ve timidly tried to love you
in the ways I could. From trying to listen to you, to helping you with your
school work (PW do you remember?) or trying to correct your essays. I do admit
that I’ve wasted much of that 7 years quarrelling, fighting and ignoring you
and for that, I am frustrated. Before you get angry, please hear me out
You are
frustrating because I know deep down in my heart you are the one. And as much
as I knew, I know as well that our paths would never cross again. And because
of that, I am frustrated. Over the years I’ve prayed countless prayers and on
more than one occasion questioned whether God exist. Because of that, I’m
frustrated. What gets to me is not the prayers or the timid nature of who I am,
but how I had no courage to confess to you. If I really love such an amazing
girl, surely I have the courage to tell her. But no, that was never the case…
Because before I sleep each night, I will return to the time when we were 18: you
asked me then, between calvin and leung who should you pick. If at that moment
I said “I love you” with every fibre of my being, and with every pulsating
emotion in my heart, would you have then listened to me? Would today be
different and history and future changed? I am frustrated because I did not
have the courage to ever tell you how much I love you. I can whine and complain
to the people around me, but I knew I always had the opportunity. That is why I
am frustrated because I am the captain of my soul and the master of my destiny
and unfortunately on this case, I’ve failed.
You are frustrating because you remind me of who I was.
I wished we were an amazing couple but we both know we weren’t. And that is why
I am frustrated because I knew I did not treasure an amazing girl. I wish we
did not abuse ourselves, or fought over petty stuff. I wish I did not make
lustful mistakes or got jealous over stupid things. I wish I gave you more
space and loved you quietly more than my words would suggest. I wish I did not
say “I love you” for nothing, and treasured each word as if I knew on hindsight
how I would never get to say it again. And more importantly, I wish I hugged
you closer, tighter and whispered to you how much I missed you. Because these
are things today that I’ll never get to do or say and for that, I am so
frustrated. I wished… I wished and I wished...
But it is not only the things that I’ve took for granted
or the actions I regret. I am frustrated because these are things I want to do.
The first thing I wanted to do when I met you in church 3 weeks ago when I came
back from USA was to hug you. I ignored you when you said “Hi” but I knew my
heart wanted me to put my arms around you and tell you how much I’ve missed
you. I wanted to tell you how the whole journey was and all I did in US. I
wanted to tell you how I’ve never looked at another girl or showed any interest
in them. I wanted to tell you how I’ve studied really hard and made every
effort to exercise to show you how I’m so determine to show a better side of
myself to you. I wanted to tell you how I’m a perfect cap student with a dean’s
list because I wanted to work for our future and for us. Even to smaller
things, like how the weather is and how cold I am during the winter. I wish you
would tell me to keep warm, or hug me or warm my hands for me. But I can’t tell
you all that because it is all too late. It is all too late.. For all that, I
am so frustrated.
I am frustrated because I’ve lied to you again. When you
ask me whether I’ve found someone I’m interested in, I said “yes”. But I lied
because I didn’t want to seem like a loser to you. But no, I’ve not found
anyone. Even in USA, I only thought about you and on many occasions wondered
what you were doing at different times of the day. I thought about your smile,
and on Sundays thought about you on stage. When I came back to Singapore, when
I landed and was at Changi Airport, I thought about how perfect my life would
be if you were there waiting for me instead of my family. I wanted you near me,
and yes God, I’m selfish but I really wanted you by my side and I couldn’t wait
to see you.
So what do I like about you? Your heart. You make me
happy and I realise despite how I always tease you nowadays, I’m so happy when I’m
around you. Small little actions from you make my day: cleaning my glasses
during debrief after E2, letting me put my DW watch over your wrist.. etc. It
seems so weird, like you’re an obsession. But I know fairly well that you’re
not an obsession; you’re the person I love the most. Why? Because no matter how
much I love you, I know that I am happy knowing you’re happy. And that is why I
always wanted to ask: Are you happy? Even if it makes me sad to know the truth
it comforts me knowing you’re happier and someone else can provide you the
happiness I couldn’t.
One of the greatest
lessons I’ve learnt over the years is that sometimes, we do not give up on
people because we feel we are dependable on them. We feel like our world will
crash, or that things will start going downhill. But you know, I wish I could tell
you how low I was at my lowest period in life. I wish I could tell you how sad
I was and how broken and useless I felt. But we journeyed on different paths
and met many different people. You’re now a very amazing girl with many friends
and highly respected in church while I have a lot of catching up to do. So I
didn’t give up not because I felt I am dependable on you.. I slowly realized it
is because I really loved you and that made me frustrated, not being able to
give up.
So I tried many
different things. Deleted you off facebook and ignoring you was all I could do.
But I really wondered why you kept adding me back and I asked God many times
why this was happening. I wish I knew but come Friday when I leave, I’m going
to delete again. If panadol is ever a medicine for headache, this is probably
mine for my heart.
Despite all the frustrations, and this I am very sure… I
have no regrets meeting you. Despite it all, and despite all the tears I’ve
shed, I’m so happy to have met you. I will always miss the first time I held
your hand in class 1A under the table. I’ve never told you - even when we were
together - but that moment when I held your hand, It felt so magical. It made
my heart pulsate and when I closed my eyes and rested on the table, I only felt
the warm touch of your hands. That was when I knew that you are an amazing girl
and I will always remember warming your hands when you are cold and resting on
your shoulders when I was tired. I will always remember your kisses and your
hugs to me late at night. I will always remember your encouragements to me and
how I’m always a good pianist to you. You are special to me and I want you to
know that..
But despite being frustrated, I’m glad. Why? Because you’ve
turned out to be such an amazing lady and I’m so proud everytime I see you. On Christmas
25th December 2015, when you sang on stage “No Other Name”, it was
the first time I’ve ever cried in that sanctuary. I prayed at that moment to God..
Please, for just one moment or one day let us be together. But I knew that
prayer was wrong, and everything about it was wrong. But you know… I wouldn’t
mind if people criticized me, called me names or said I was self-righteous. I
would take all that and take everything in just to be with you. But I’m so glad
that despite our rough relationship, you’ve found your place and eventually got
baptized. I wanted so desperately to attend your baptism, but I felt as well
that I had no place to be there for I contributed nothing to your life.
So Charlene Choe Tze Yi, one day in future, if you do read this or if at any point of time you
feel low or you feel sad or unloved, I want you to remember that you’re
beautiful and kind. And it is not true that nobody loves you because a silly
and foolish guy when he was 13 years old fell in love with you. And he spent the next 10 years pursuing your heart. Although at the end of
the day I failed, I still want you to remember that it is not true –not at all –
that you are not loved. You stole my heart 10 years ago, and today, you still
do. I love you; then and today. If I had a wish granted, I would want to hug you right now and tell you how much I love you.
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